Session 8

Conflict is a normal part of relationships. We cannot have relationships without conflict as it is not possible or healthy for two people to agree all the time. Some YP will have learned unhealthy models for managing conflict from their family of origin however and this can show up in their future relationships. They can manage conflict through aggression possibly like those they have witnessed, or they can become so afraid of conflict that they repress their wants and wishes.

Both stances are damaging to relationships. We cannot have a fulfilling or nurturing relationship if we are afraid of the other person and their violence. Ultimately this relationship is not nurturing for the person who is being violent either. It further reinforces their negative self-view which contributed to the controlling and violent behaviour in the first place in a continuous cycle of unhealthy behaviour – damage to self-esteem – unhealthy behaviour and so on.

On the other hand, a relationship in which there never seems to be any conflict is not as appealing as it first might sound. Relationships in which people are not honest with each other lack the intimacy to continue. People in such relationships may become passive-aggressive with each other as a way of expressing hurts and resentments they feel unable to speak about directly. This damages honesty and trust in each other. Often couples in these relationships might refer to each other as having become nothing more than friends. Intimate relationships need a level of honesty and vulnerability to progress and deepen and avoiding conflict does nothing to support the development of either.

For these reasons it is important to teach YP how to manage their relationship conflicts in an assertive and open way. Even if they have not experienced violence or aggression in their own relationships previously, these skills are an important part of building healthy relationships and are useful for preventative work as well as those who are already struggling. If a YP is already using aggression and violence in their relationship and the victim is known to you, you could use this session with the victim on a separate occasion, so they understand the strategies the YP is using. This session also links effectively with learning about boundaries (in Session 3) and how to set them assertively.