How to Manage Conflict?
Conflict is a normal part of relationships. We cannot have relationships without conflict as it is not possible or healthy for two people to agree all the time. Some YP will have learned unhealthy models for managing conflict from their family of origin however and this can show up in their future relationships. They can manage conflict through aggression possibly like those they have witnessed, or they can become so afraid of conflict that they repress their wants and wishes.
Both stances are damaging to relationships. We cannot have a fulfilling or nurturing relationship if we are afraid of the other person and their violence. Ultimately this relationship is not nurturing for the person who is being violent either. It further reinforces their negative self-view which contributed to the controlling and violent behaviour in the first place in a continuous cycle of unhealthy behaviour – damage to self-esteem – unhealthy behaviour and so on.
On the other hand, a relationship in which there never seems to be any conflict is not as appealing as it first might sound. Relationships in which people are not honest with each other lack the intimacy to continue. People in such relationships may become passive-aggressive with each other as a way of expressing hurts and resentments they feel unable to speak about directly. This damages honesty and trust in each other. Often couples in these relationships might refer to each other as having become nothing more than friends. Intimate relationships need a level of honesty and vulnerability to progress and deepen and avoiding conflict does nothing to support the development of either.
For these reasons it is important to teach YP how to manage their relationship conflicts in an assertive and open way. Even if they have not experienced violence or aggression in their own relationships previously, these skills are an important part of building healthy relationships and are useful for preventative work as well as those who are already struggling. If a YP is already using aggression and violence in their relationship and the victim is known to you, you could use this session with the victim on a separate occasion, so they understand the strategies the YP is using. This session also links effectively with learning about boundaries (in Session 3) and how to set them assertively.
- To manage conflict more assertively
- For the YP to recognise the worst fears that drive their arguments
- For the YP to learn that if their worst fears are reassured (basic needs are met) a negotiation becomes easier and less “heated”
- For the YP to be able to express wants and needs without blaming and to listen better in conflict
Often when we are in conflict with another person, we can become focused on “winning” the argument and neglect to say what it is that we actually need and want from the other person. We can focus on the superficial issues of conflict without fully explaining why the issue is hurtful to us. Instead, we focus on trying to get the other person to agree to what we want. This approach is usually counterproductive and often results in each side becoming more invested in their own side of the disagreement.
The following exercise introduces a two-stage process of conflict resolution. Firstly the clarification stage focuses on having each side fully clarify what the issue means to them while the other person listens actively to the needs expressed. Once these have been expressed on both sides and listened to, both parties can start to move into the solution stage to identify ways forward that help address the needs and fears of each person.
