Getting Rid of the ANTs
Primary emotions are our first reaction to something and are usually quite intense. Primary emotions are the body’s first response, and they are usually very easy to identify because they are so strong. The most common primary emotions are fear, happiness, sadness, and anger. Primary emotions are adaptive because they make us react a certain way without being contaminated or examined. They are very much an instinctual, primal, survival response. Primary emotions are more transient than secondary emotions which is why they are less complicated and easier to understand. The first thing we feel is directly connected to the event or stimulus but as time passes, we struggle to connect the same emotion with the event because our emotions have changed.
Secondary emotions are much more complex because they often refer to the feelings we have about the primary emotion. These are learned emotions which we get from our parent(s) or primary care givers as we grow up. For example, when we feel angry we may feel ashamed afterwards or when we feel joy, we may then feel relief or pride. The reason that secondary emotions usually aren’t helpful is that they cover up what we really feel and send confusing signals to the outside world about what we need. If feeling fear is a person’s primary reaction to something but they have been conditioned to feel ashamed about this then they might feel angry about feeling afraid. Anger would be the secondary emotion in this instance. The fear remains hidden and often remains an unmet need because anger is the emotion being expressed.
This session explores with the YP the concept of jealousy as a secondary emotion.
- To develop a non-abusive plan to manage jealous feelings
- For the YP to recognise that jealousy is an emotion that comes from within themselves
- That the YP can challenge their negative and jealous thinking to help reduce the likelihood of feeling jealous or acting possessively
In the previous exercises you worked through with the YP some examples of behaviours which seek to control the actions of another person in response to jealous feelings. You established with the YP that this behaviour is not OK and that it damages relationships. If a person feels they do not have any freedom in a relationship they may begin to feel suffocated, increasing the likelihood that the relationship may end, or may remain in the relationship but feel increasingly unhappy.
Jealousy and possessiveness are never about the other person and are always about the person who has the jealous and possessive feelings. It is better therefore to help the person who has these feelings to manage them in a way that is not abusive. When a YP identifies they are experiencing feelings of jealousy, they can choose not to immediately act upon the desire to remove the threat (real or imagined) and ask instead what the feelings are telling them, what they need to feel safe again and how they can fulfil that need in a healthy, non-abusive way.
Jealous thoughts are an example of automatic negative thoughts or ANTs!
While it might have become a habit to think jealous thoughts automatically, a YP can replace those thoughts with positive self-talk and they can also use other strategies to distract them from dwelling on jealous thoughts or engaging in possessive behaviour. Doing this will help them avoid the pitfalls that jealousy can cause.
If the YP you are working identifies that they have problems managing jealous feelings, completing the following exercise with them will help them make a plan around this.
