Denial, Minimisation & Justification

This session explores the role of choice in how we behave. It will enable the YP to understand that the more we make excuses for negative behaviour, the less able we will be to change it. YP are likely to be familiar with the term “making excuses”, these are a form of justification, giving what they perceive to be good reasons for what they have done. Excuses are something that we have all used at some point in our life, whether it be for tardiness or handing in a school or work project late.

Within abusive relationships this strategy is often used by the abusive person to remove blame from themselves and place responsibility for what they have done on various other factors, often on the person being abused. Excuses come in a variety of different forms, for example:

• Denial: “I didn’t do it”, “that’s not what really happened”
• Minimisation: “I only called them a nasty name, at least I didn’t hit them”, “they didn’t even have any bruises, so It couldn’t have been that bad”, “It only happened once”
• Blame: “They started it”, “it’s all their fault that I flipped”
• Justification: “I just saw red”, “I can’t control my temper”

These excuses act as a comfort and self-protection for the person using these behaviours, which in turn then forms a barrier against them holding themselves accountable and ending abusive behaviour.

Facing up to our own negative, unhealthy, or abusive behaviours can be very uncomfortable and make us feel vulnerable. To move out of this towards accountability can be a very painful process. It means recognising that the responsibility lies solely with you for the choices you have made, the way you have behaved, and acknowledging the harm, hurt and damage that you have caused. Therefore, many people remain in this cycle for a long time before making lasting change, and in some cases never leave the cycle. When working with YP who use justifications it is important to explore with them how damaging this can be to them personally. This is a more effective strategy than trying to expand their understanding of the impact on the other party, especially with teens who might not yet have the full cognitive capacity for empathy.

The reality is that many people experience conflict within relationships and make a choice not to engage in abusive behaviour towards the other person, they are equipped and able to deal with difficult situations by using a variety of learned or embedded strategies and skills, some of which are incorporated within this programme.